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I was cleaning out my desk and came across these Thurberesque fables, pre-Sept. 11. Thought maybe someone would get a kick out of 'em.
A Pig and His Poke
As the result of a three-way race between an Otter and a Lemur, a Pig became president. Despite his inability to make principled decisions on his own, and despite his indulgences, the Pig won against an old Horse in the next election. The Pig continued his indulgences and cheated on his wife, the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing (and we realize a Pig and a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing are pretty incompatible, but hey, they made the commitment). The Pig was continually caught in scandals and was nearly booted out by his own government. But enough people liked the Pig that they continued to defend him and claimed that he truly represented the public good, and yet he still manages to wreak havoc upon his own populous to this day.
He who has lived in mud all his life knows exactly how to get out of it.
The Ant, the Ass and the Duck
“Look at that Duck over there, quacking loudly, spreading vicious rumors,” said the Ass to the Ant. “What a Major League Me-hole!” To which the Ant replied, “Major.” The Ant and the Ass didn’t realize that a microphone was nearby recording their every word. The noisy Duck’s feelings were hurt and the remark almost cost the Ant and the Ass an election.
Candid callous comments from conservatives cannot be commonly corrected.
The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
A Wolf from Chicago decided many years ago that she wasn’t going to get anywhere unless she wore the skin of a sheep. Determining that she would assume the causes of the poor souls she wished to devour, she went to New York. Despite her past evasions, her seedy wolf brothers, her husband the Pig, and lack of a public record, the citizens believed the things this Wolf said and accepted her into their fold.
New Yorkers are basically sheep.
The Alpha and His Shadow
There was once an Alpha who claimed he knew exactly who he was and wanted to be elected to the highest office in the land. He was running against an Ass, and he figured he didn’t need anybody’s help to do it, including the Pig’s or the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing’s. One day he passed by a river in his home state of Tennessee and saw his reflection in the water. He looked down his nose in the water and said “Grrr!! I’m better’n you! I’m going to beat you! Grrrr!!” He eventually lost the election, including his home state of Tennessee.
To thine own self be true; otherwise, stay the hell out of politics.
The Alpha in the Voting Commission Office
An election was held between the Ass and the Alpha. After a tough fight, it looked as though the Ass was going to win. However, the Alpha and his friend the Tortoise holed themselves up in a county in Florida and tried to prevent votes from overseas military people from being counted for the Ass, which would have confirmed him the election’s winner. The Alpha lay in the voting commission office, foaming at the mouth, for 33 days. Now the Alpha’s gained 40 pounds and grown a beard.
As time passes, a dog in a manger gets stranger and stranger.
The Tortoise and the Ant
There was an Ant who, wanting to dispel the rumors of his ill health, challenged a Tortoise to a race. The tortoise, just to ensure that he didn’t come across as a big loser like his friend the Alpha, made arrangements to run in another, less challenging, race that day. The Ant, in spite of his drive, took no chances and rode in a limo to the end of the race, knowing full well that it was a Saturday and that the steadfast Tortoise adhered to a very steadfast belief that he couldn’t ride in a motorcar on Saturdays. The Ant won by a very narrow margin.
In the battle of Might versus Right, Might just might win.
The Ant and His Doctors
A hard-working Ant, second in command only to the Ass, was busy working up a national energy plan, meeting with Senators and Congresspeople, drafting an education plan, meeting with Cabinet members, drafting a defense plan, selecting prospective federal judges, and breaking ties in the Senate. Because of his efforts, he started to suffer great heartache. His doctors said that he needed to get lots of bedrest and that he should not work so hard. To this the Ant said, “Let me out of here! I’ve got to get my Ass in gear!”
Ants’ hearts may be small, but they are generally in the right place.
The Pushy Peacock
There once was a proud Peacock who went around the country guilt-tripping million-dollar companies into giving him money so that he wouldn’t go public and report about some trumped-up charge that another peacock at this said company was being unfairly discriminated against. While peacocks have gotten a sorry deal years in the past, many things changed after 1968 and the world doesn’t generally regard peacocks the same way now as they used to in unenlightened days. In fact, other animals tend to feel overly sensitive around peacocks solely because this particular pontificating Peacock is so vocal and persuasive. These matters are often doubly confusing because the Peacock claims to be a man of God and yet he’s been caught cheating on his taxes as well as his wife.
Calling a spade a spade...er, the pot calling the kettle...oh, forget it.
The Virulent Amoeba
There was once a hot-tempered virulent Amoeba who lived in Hollywood who said “I don’t like it that they elected an Ass to public office. I think I’ll move with the Frogs where everybody is one amorphous mass like me.”
The more eccentric they are, the more left-of-center they seem to get.
The Crow’s Ravin’
A newsy crow who had the ear of the American people for many years refused to report on certain issues that other animals in the farm community felt were significant. One of those stories included a story on a Bucket of Slime who was very quiet about an intern with whom he was having a symbiotic relationship. In response to their criticisms the pedantic Crow said, “Eat me.”
‘Tis better to eat Crow than to be spoon-fed processed drivel.
The Frogs Who Wanted to Tax the Sun
There was a community of Frogs who believed so faithfully in egalitarianism that it determined that the sun was not equal to everybody else, so it needed to be taxed. Eventually their amount of taxation taxed the sun so greatly that an ice floe came down from the north and the Frogs were frozen forever in 20-ft thick ice.
He that shines brightest is subject to socialist envy.
The Ass’s Brains
Several animals, including the Pig, the Wild Hare, the Snake, the Tortoise and the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing, the Frogs, and several political cartoonists, felt that the Ass was so stupid that he must not have a brain. This was widely assumed because the Ass had difficulty pronouncing certain words and remembering the capitals of certain third-world nations. Well, lo and behold, by a miracle or a feat of legerdemain or because of a panel of nine Owls – nobody is sure which – the Ass is elected President. And after the animals got to know him personally and stopped truly believing the rants of creatures like the Amoeba and the Crow, and when the Ass received a consistently high approval rating, they discovered there must be a brain in there somewhere. Many of the creatures realized that part of the Ass’s overtly humble attitude was based on a belief in individual excellence, rather than naÏve leadership.
Even when you ass-ume, you can still make a leader out of you and me.
The Fox Who Lost His Reputation
There was a crafty war-veteran Fox who got caught one time in the early 1980s for illegally funnelling campaign funds into his own pockets and was labelled for the rest of his life as one of the “Keating Seven.” The Fox then went on a personal and fire-filled crusade for several years to try to prevent other foxes from ever putting campaign funds into their own pockets. The other foxes said “You feel guilty about somethin’? Huh?” The fox only snapped back and said, “I don’t see YOU on TV! I don’t see YOU taking a bullet for America!”
Any war can make you crazy like a fox.
The Wild Hares
There once was a husk of wild hares that lived in Massachusetts, and while they bred like rabbits, disaster always seemed to befall on them. One was even president, yet he was hunted and killed. Another was running for president, and he was hunted and killed. Yet another, sorrowful for the loss of his brothers, indulged frequently in Wild Hare activities. In fact, one night, he took a girl hare out for a good time, and accidentally drove his car off a bridge into a river with her still in it. Yet this Wild Hare managed to get elected to public office and remained in office longer than any of his brothers did.
We’ve all got to deal with those Wild Hares from time to time.
The Fox and the Campaign Finance Bill
There was a Fox who spent many years looking up at a piece of legislation that sat high on a Hill which he hoped would someday become the Law of the Land. Despite his efforts of jumping and begging and barking loudly, the Fox received a note one day that said the bill was tied up in committee and stood very little chance of ever becoming the Law of the Land. With this the Fox snapped up the note in his mouth and spit it out bitterly, wounding the messenger’s arm in the process.
Continually trying to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat can leave a sour taste in your mouth.
The Ass and His Counterpart from Across the Aisle
One day, the Ass, as he was travelling around, ran into another ass who claimed he was the mascot for the Democratic Party. After much discussion, the asses found that they actually agreed on many things and made a pact to do things with less venom and more cooperation. “See,” said the Ass, “I always believed we had more in common than people think.”
The asses all had better get along or our ass is grass.
